I cannot sleep.
I cannot say that this is the first time I have had trouble sleeping. I’ve been pretty bad at sleeping for the past year and a half or so… ever since we moved to Sacramento. But this is probably the first time I will publicly admit that I have trouble sleeping. I cannot blame the fact that I must wake up a little before 4am each morning to get ready to get onto a van to take me to work an hour and a half drive away from where I live. If I wanted to, I could go to sleep at 8pm to get the necessary 7 hours of shut-eye.
But I don’t do that. Why? Because then my life would be nothing more than waking up, going to work, coming home, and going to sleep.. only to do that consecutively for 5 days straight without a break. What kind of life is that? Granted, my life isn’t very glamorous anyway… I come home, clean up after my dogs, fix dinner, fix their dinner, shower, relax in front of my tv, and go to sleep…. this is all done within a span of 3 hours after I get home.
But lately, sleep has been harder for me. Perhaps, the lack of sleep has finally caught up with me and I’m so tired that I can’t sleep? Perhaps, I’m anxious about things, such as whether I’m going to get a new job closer to home, will they raise the rent again, can I pay my phone bill this month? Will my husband break out of prison and try to come home, even though he’s no longer welcome? I think the last question pops into my mind more often than not these days.
It’s a romance that has run its course and I’m no longer in the honeymoon stages. I’m in the anti-honeymoon stages.. and running straight towards the divorcing stage. There is absolutely no way of reconciling. I have nothing to offer him anymore and he has nothing to offer me, as he has proven over the last 2 years. It’s just a matter of finding the right papers to fill out, gathering enough money to pay the filing fees, and serving the papers on him.
This marriage has died… and yet like in horror movies, sometimes, there’s that twitch on the hand of the monster.. and you know it’s not completely dead because it’s still trying to come back. Solution: chop off the finger. Burn the body…. and pray it doesn’t have an evil twin brother.
